George Carlin is in Hell. Fred Phelps Cannot Properly Comprehend the Definition of Words.

Sometimes it feels like kicking a puppy, this pointing out how completely ridiculous people like Fred Phelps can really be, but some puppies are ugly, and really, you want to kick them a lot. Like, you know, poodles.



And again, it seems somewhat unnecessary to point out that a man who begins his little shows with graphics proclaiming things like "god hates fags" might just maybe not be the kind of guy whose opinion is worthwhile, maybe. But you know, just maybe.

So I'm not really going to devote a ton of time to explaining what Fred Phelps is. Fred Phelps is, in the simplest, truest possible terms, a cunt. There is absolutely no redeeming quality in the man, and I almost wish there was a hell, because I assure you, if there were, it would be men like Fred Phelps who populated it.

What I am, however, going to point out, is that apparently, in addition to being an absolutely worthless and disgusting hatemonger, Fred Phelps is unable to understand how words and their definitions work.

While explaining to us that George Carlin is in hell, Fred Phelps does a lot of name calling. Among the "doody head, poopy face" style insults he heaps on a recently diseased man who was talented, intelligent and will be missed, was the following little tidbit:

"filthy blasphemer obscene potty mouth skeptic agnostic profane atheist."

Cool. Some of that was probably true, even. Definitely a blasphemer, definitely a potty mouth, definitely skeptical, absolutely profane. Here's where I want to help Phelps out a bit.

Atheist:

Adjective: . related to or characterized by or given to atheism; "atheist leanings"
Noun: someone who denies the existence of god Agnostic:
Adjective: of or pertaining to agnostics or agnosticism.

Noun: a person who holds that the existence of the ultimate cause, as God, and the essential nature of things are unknown and unknowable, or that human knowledge is limited to experience.


The fact that the two are different, and, hey-o, even conflicting worldviews seems pretty obvious to me. So obvious in fact, that I'm not going to explain it even further.

Fred Phelps: If you're going to be a revolting, foul waste of flesh who spews hatred and lies every time you open your nasty sewer of a mouth, could you do me a favor and at least grasp the basics of the language and concepts you're using to attack people? That would be rad.

Further, towards the end of your charming little rant there, you announce that you're going to be picketing Carlin's funeral. You've picketed other funerals, including those of men and women who died in combat. It isn't my hope that when you die someone pickets your funeral. That is the language you and your followers speak, that is an attack you'll have prepared them for, and that would be the essence of lowering ourselves to your level, a task beyond Herculean in it's implications.

No. It is my simple hope that you die quietly. That you die quietly, and soon. That you die without a bang, without a whisper, and that no one ever need speak of your foulness again.

Gay Update!

The video above is Klaus Nomi's pretty fantastic cover of Leslie Gore's "You Don't Own Me" . It's charming, offbeat, and a crazy lot of fun to watch. It's also a pretty good representation of the character of Nomi's artistic output during his all too brief life and career.

You know what else it is? It's the song Rush Limbaugh often uses to begin his "Gay Update."

Now, we all know that Rush Limbaugh is a fucking idiot. If, in fact, you do not know this, please, I beg of you, just google him and choose, at random, any of his quotes to read or radio shows to listen to. That ought to clear up any confusion nicely.

We also all know that Rush Limbaugh is a homophobe and a bigot of many colors. Here are a couple of Rush's warm and fuzzy quotes about gays.

“The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit.”

“When a gay person turns his back on you, it is anything but an insult; it's an invitation”

So, knowing what I know, I shouldn't have found it surprising that Rush uses Nomi's cover of the song as his theme song for the Gay Update.

But somehow, I did find myself surprised. I will never get used to seeing people do blatantly hateful things for no apparent reason. I will never be immunized and desensitized to it. Whether Rush Limbaugh approves of the lifestyle Klaus Nomi lived or not, I can't understand how he would fail to understand that playing that song while reporting on what he considers to be immoral and unethical acts by immoral and unethical people is sick. It's sick. Klaus Nomi died, at age 39, of AIDS. He was a great performer, a brilliant man, and he died far too young, one of the first casualties of an illness we didn't yet, and still to some degree don't, understand.

Even if Limbaugh believes the man's lifestyle to have been disgusting, how can he not see that this man was a human being, someone's son, someone's friend, someone's lover, someone's brother? How can a person sleep well at night while essentially saying, every time they play this song over hateful words about a part of the singer's life, a part of who he was, that they are glad he's dead? That they believe he got what he deserved?

One does have to wonder what Rush would think if someone started playing a recording of one of his shows every time they started denouncing drug addicts? Especially if they took up that practice only after he had passed away from drug related issues? I'm not saying, at all, that I'd be glad to see Rush Limbaugh die of a drug overdose, or that I'd say he deserved what he go...well, hold on a second.

There's a pretty big difference between Limbaugh's publicized struggles with prescription drugs, and Klaus Nomi's homosexuality. What's the difference, you ask?

Personal responsibility and choice. Anyone with half a brain in their head knows that being gay is not a choice, whereas being an over privileged, middle aged, fat headed bigot of a junkie? Is. In fact. A choice.

It's amazing to me how blind people like Limbaugh are to the fact that all of their misdirected hatred and nastiness is obviously going to come back on them, owing largely to the fact that they, like everyone else on the planet, are not perfect. They are human beings, and thus they are flawed, and as they put themselves in positions of high visibility while spewing viciousness and cruelty, they are much more likely to have those flaws spilled onto the public canvas for all to see. Rightly so. Keep on popping those vicodin, Rush. Maybe next time the entire world gets treated to a peek at how very, very flawed you are, you'll reconsider your policy of being a heartless, spineless, conscience-less bully.

Before I go, I'd like to add a few more adjectives to the ones I've directed at Rush Limbaugh. Feel free to add your own in the comments.

- Foul, fuckwit, toadlike, hammerhead archetype, coathanger bait, idiotic, moron, fucktard, wackaloon, jackass, worthless, asshat, assclown, dickhead, prick, turd, bigot, accidentally unaborted fetus of a man. - Again, please feel free to add your own, as my list is extremely limited and in no way goes far enough to describe the skidmark that is this man accurately.

I'll end with a final treat from the singularly talented Mr. Nomi.

Fun with Fundies!

I procrastinate. It's just how I roll. I spend countless hours finding ways not to write, not to work, not to deal with personal situations, not to clean, etc. The amount of time I spend actively not doing any given task outweighs the amount of time it would take me to do that particular task tenfold, easy.

Today, I'm not writing. I'm also not working. While not doing these things, I stumbled upon one of the most delightful and infuriating distractions I've found recently.

I got there using a pretty convoluted path, starting with research on the John Freshwater situation in Ohio. (I feel I should mention that I was singing "once, twice, THRICE an idiot" as I read). From there, I felt a quick visit to JREF was in order, to clean my brain, and somehow, I ended up at the lovely FSTDT site, and spent far more time there than I would have needed to spend to complete my work for the day.

Continuing to hop along my procrastination path, I landed at what is clearly my true home. These? Are my people, obviously. Pack a bag, kids, we're Rapture Ready.

I think the best/worst thing about all this is that even if they're not joking, (and I'm pretty sure they aren't), they are still undeniably hilarious.

I've decided to register for an account. I haven't yet hammered out the details on where I'm headed with this, but visions of PZ's poll crashing were dancing in my head as I signed up, so stay tuned.

Reading for Comprehension

I'm not at all convinced that John Mccain knows how to read for comprehension. I'm referring to the possibly mistaken idea I've got that a person running for president has at least read the constitution, and possibly a touch of the history surrounding that document.

If, in fact, John McCain has read these things, then he has a serious inability to divine the meaning of anything that he's read.

I propose that this inability may be the result of a long undiagnosed learning disability, and that we should see clearly deluded and backwards statements such as his in the video above as a cry for help. Let's all get behind the cause, and see if we can't get John McCain some long overdue educational support, shall we?

Just...wow.

WHY?

We all have family and friends who have failed to receive the Good News of the Gospel.
The unsaved will be 'left behind' on earth to go through the "tribulation period" after the "Rapture". You remember how, for a short time, after (9/11/01) people were open to spiritual things and answers. (We are still singing "God Bless America" at baseballs' seventh inning stretch.) Imagine how taken back they will be by the millions of missing Christians and devastation at the rapture. They will know it was true and that they have blown it. There will be a small window of time where they might be reached for the Kingdom of God. We have made it possible for you to send them a letter of love and a plea to receive Christ one last time. You will also be able to give them some help in living out their remaining time. In the encrypted portion of your account you can give them access to your banking, brokerage, hidden valuables, and powers of attorneys' (you won't be needing them any more, and the gift will drive home the message of love). There won't be any bodies, so probate court will take 7 years to clear your assets to your next of Kin. 7 years of course is all the time that will be left. So, basically the Government of the AntiChrist gets your stuff, unless you make it available in another way. You can also send information based on scripture as to what will happen next. Each fulfilled prophecy will cause your letter and plea to be remembered and a decision to be made.

"WHY" is one last chance to bring them to Christ and snatch them from the flames!

So. I don't even really know what to say about You've Been Left Behind.

I mean, on the one hand, I'm pretty firmly in favor of capitalist society, and have no real problem with fools being parted from their money. I'm not certain you can find a foolier fool than the sort of person who would buy into the nonsense this company is peddling, so I should be fully comfortable with this. Really, it's a pretty solid business model, right?

Get religious folks to hand over their money using a fear and shame based argument? Hey, isn't that what churches and televangelists do every day?

You know what? I AM fully okay with this. The only thing I hope is that this company is actually run by a really hilarious and slightly evil atheist. I mean, no matter what, this money isn't going to people's hell bound loved ones when the rapture comes, what with the rapture not ever coming owing to it's non existence. And I have to think that whoever is running this little business knows that, because otherwise, how the heck does the business model work? I mean, anyone who is christian enough to care about other people this much, and sets up a company of this type is obviously going to be taken up during the rapture, right? So if that's the case, who distributes the money and power of attorney and whatnot following this rapture?

What, no. I know. That's logic and thinking and one of those silly atheist tricks. I totally know, guys. I'm just thinking like they think, because, you know, they think...what. God, guys. Jesus totally died for your sins, so, um, give us your money and we'll make sure those awful atheists that you are christian enough to love anyway get it when you're dancing amidst the flowers and clouds and cotton candy and puppies in the sky. No, seriously. We will.

I can totally picture the founder of this company trouble shooting possible customer service questions, and coming up with the above.

I really, really hope that the person or people that are going to profit from this profit big, and spend it on humanist or atheist education. This is one of those things that make atheists feel as arrogant and superior as we're constantly accused of being. Because? You can't convince us to give you our money and financial documents by reminding us that one day we're just going to disappear from our cars and workplaces and homes, and be beamed up to the happy dance in the sky.

Oh man, I'm leaving you with just one phrase from this site. Just the one.

Document storage and "Rapture" triggered email messaging system.